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ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

By
Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

*****
Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.




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Joachim and Anne: In the Scriptures, Matthew and Luke furnish a legal family history of Jesus, tracing ancestry to show that Jesus is the culmination of great promises. Not only is his mother’s family neglected, we also know nothing factual about them except that they existed. Even the names <i>Joachim</i> and <i>Anne</i> come from a legendary source written more than a century after Jesus died. 
<p>The heroism and holiness of these people, however, is inferred from the whole family atmosphere around Mary in the Scriptures. Whether we rely on the legends about Mary’s childhood or make guesses from the information in the Bible, we see in her a fulfillment of many generations of prayerful persons, herself steeped in the religious traditions of her people. </p><p>The strong character of Mary in making decisions, her continuous practice of prayer, her devotion to the laws of her faith, her steadiness at moments of crisis, and her devotion to her relatives—all indicate a close-knit, loving family that looked forward to the next generation even while retaining the best of the past. </p><p>Joachim and Anne—whether these are their real names or not—represent that entire quiet series of generations who faithfully perform their duties, practice their faith and establish an atmosphere for the coming of the Messiah, but remain obscure.</p> American Catholic Blog My hope is that my children reach beyond me in character. I don’t want to be their moral ceiling. That makes me responsible to guide and discipline them in directions I don’t always follow. And above all, to show them mercy for their human frailty, as I ask them to show me that same mercy for mine.

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