AmericanCatholic.org
 
Skip Navigation Links
Home
Catholic News
Saints
Seasonal
Special Reports
Movies
Shopping
Donate
Share:
Facebook
Twitter
Google Plus
LinkedIn
Email
RSS Feeds
ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

By
Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

*****
Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.


Search reviews at CatholicMovieReviews.org


Thank you for your comments. Editors will review all posts before they are visible on the website.

blog comments powered by Disqus







Peter Chrysologus: A man who vigorously pursues a goal may produce results far beyond his expectations and his intentions. Thus it was with Peter of the Golden Words, as he was called, who as a young man became bishop of Ravenna, the capital of the empire in the West. 
<p>At the time there were abuses and vestiges of paganism evident in his diocese, and these he was determined to battle and overcome. His principal weapon was the short sermon, and many of them have come down to us. They do not contain great originality of thought. They are, however, full of moral applications, sound in doctrine and historically significant in that they reveal Christian life in fifth-century Ravenna. So authentic were the contents of his sermons that, some 13 centuries later, he was declared a doctor of the Church by Pope Benedict XIII. He who had earnestly sought to teach and motivate his own flock was recognized as a teacher of the universal Church. </p><p>In addition to his zeal in the exercise of his office, Peter Chrysologus was distinguished by a fierce loyalty to the Church, not only in its teaching, but in its authority as well. He looked upon learning not as a mere opportunity but as an obligation for all, both as a development of God-given faculties and as a solid support for the worship of God. </p><p>Some time before his death, St. Peter returned to Imola, his birthplace, where he died around A.D. 450.</p> American Catholic Blog Prayer should be more listening than speaking. God gave you two ears and one mouth...use them proportionately.

 
PICKS OF THE WEEK
New from Franciscan Media!
By reflecting on Pope Francis's example and words, you can transform your own life and relationships.
New from Servant Books!
Follow Jesus with the same kind of zeal that Paul had, guided by Mark Hart and Christopher Cuddy!
Wisdom for Women

Learn how the life and teachings of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein) serve as a guide for women’s unique vocations today.

A Wild Ride

Enter the world of medieval England in this account of a rare and courageous woman, Margery Kempe, now a saint of the Anglican church.

The Wisdom of Merton
This book distills wisdom from Merton's books and journals on enduring themes which are relevant to readers today.

 
CATHOLIC GREETINGS
Vacation
Remember when summer seemed to last forever? Send a Catholic Greetings e-card to share that memory.
Love
Love is a daily miracle, just like our heartbeat.
Birthday
Subscribers to Catholic Greetings Premium Service can create a personal calendar to remind them of important birthdays.
Mary's Flower - Fuchsia
Mary, nourish my love for you and for Jesus.
Sts. Ann and Joachim
Use this Catholic Greetings e-card to tell your grandparents what they mean to you.



Come find us at: Facebook | St. Anthony Messenger magazine Twitter | American Catholic YouTube | American Catholic