Skip Navigation Links
Catholic News
Special Reports
Google Plus
RSS Feeds
ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.

Search reviews at

Thank you for your comments. Editors will review all posts before they are visible on the website.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Columban: Columban was the greatest of the Irish missionaries who worked on the European continent. As a young man who was greatly tormented by temptations of the flesh, he sought the advice of a religious woman who had lived a hermit’s life for years. He saw in her answer a call to leave the world. He went first to a monk on an island in Lough Erne, then to the great monastic seat of learning at Bangor. 
<p>After many years of seclusion and prayer, he traveled to Gaul (modern-day France) with 12 companion missionaries. They won wide respect for the rigor of their discipline, their preaching, and their commitment to charity and religious life in a time characterized by clerical laxity and civil strife. Columban established several monasteries in Europe which became centers of religion and culture. </p><p>Like all saints, he met opposition. Ultimately he had to appeal to the pope against complaints of Frankish bishops, for vindication of his orthodoxy and approval of Irish customs. He reproved the king for his licentious life, insisting that he marry. Since this threatened the power of the queen mother, Columban was deported to Ireland. His ship ran aground in a storm, and he continued his work in Europe, ultimately arriving in Italy, where he found favor with the king of the Lombards. In his last years he established the famous monastery of Bobbio, where he died. His writings include a treatise on penance and against Arianism, sermons, poetry and his monastic rule.</p> American Catholic Blog Jesus was never a careerist or a glory-monger; he did not demand to be hailed as a king or lauded as a hero. He came to live among us, to suffer with us, and to serve us from the heart. He came to teach us how to love.

The Gospel of John the Gospel of Relationship

Thanksgiving Day (U.S.)
Thanks be to God for our families, our homes, our lives. Happy Thanksgiving from Catholic Greetings and

May this birthday mark the beginning of new and exciting adventures!

St. Andrew Dung-Lac
Our common faith is our greatest treasure. Join Vietnamese Catholics around the world in honoring this 19th-century martyr.

With Thursday’s menu planned and groceries purchased, now is the time to send an e-card to far-away friends.

Christ the King
Our liturgical year ends as it begins, focusing on Our Lord’s eternal reign.

Come find us at: Facebook | St. Anthony Messenger magazine Twitter | American Catholic YouTube | American Catholic

An Site from the Franciscans and Franciscan Media Copyright © 1996 - 2015