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ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

By
Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

*****
Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.




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Bartholomew: In the New Testament, Bartholomew is mentioned only in the lists of the apostles. Some scholars identify him with Nathanael, a man of Cana in Galilee who was summoned to Jesus by Philip. Jesus paid him a great compliment: “Here is a true Israelite. There is no duplicity in him” (John 1:47b). When Nathanael asked how Jesus knew him, Jesus said, “I saw you under the fig tree” (John 1:48b). Whatever amazing revelation this involved, it brought Nathanael to exclaim, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the King of Israel” (John 1:49b). But Jesus countered with, “Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than this” (John 1:50b). 
<p>Nathanael did see greater things. He was one of those to whom Jesus appeared on the shore of the Sea of Tiberias after his resurrection (see John 21:1-14). They had been fishing all night without success. In the morning, they saw someone standing on the shore though no one knew it was Jesus. He told them to cast their net again, and they made so great a catch that they could not haul the net in. Then John cried out to Peter, “It is the Lord.” </p><p>When they brought the boat to shore, they found a fire burning, with some fish laid on it and some bread. Jesus asked them to bring some of the fish they had caught, and invited them to come and eat their meal. John relates that although they knew it was Jesus, none of the apostles presumed to inquire who he was. This, John notes, was the third time Jesus appeared to the apostles.</p> American Catholic Blog While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.<br /> –St. Francis of Assisi

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