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ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

By
Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

*****
Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.


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Giles: Despite the fact that much about St. Giles is shrouded in mystery, we can say that he was one of the most popular saints in the Middle Ages. Likely, he was born in the first half of the seventh century in southeastern France. That is where he built a monastery that became a popular stopping-off point for pilgrims making their way to Compostela in Spain and the Holy Land.<br /><br />In England, many ancient churches and hospitals were dedicated to Giles. One of the sections of the city of Brussels is named after him. In Germany, Giles was included among the so-called 14 Holy Helpers, a popular group of saints to whom people prayed, especially for recovery from disease and for strength at the hour of death. Also among the 14 were Sts. Christopher, Barbara and Blaise. Interestingly, Giles was the only non-martyr among them. Devotion to the "Holy Helpers" was especially strong in parts of Germany and in Hungary and Sweden. Such devotion made his popularity spread. Giles was soon invoked as the patron of the poor and the disabled.<br /><br />The pilgrimage center that once drew so many fell into disrepair some centuries after Giles' death. American Catholic Blog The ascension is about the final reunion of what appeared to be separated for a while: earth and heaven, human and divine, matter and Spirit. If the Christ is the archetype of the full human journey, now we know how it all resolves itself in the end. “So that where I am, you also will be” (John 14:3).

 
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