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ON FAITH & MEDIA View Comments

Vampires Suck

By
Kurt Jensen
Source: Catholic News Service

As ripe for spoofing as the angst-filled "Twilight" films are, the satire "Vampires Suck" (Fox) rapidly softens way past mere ripeness into toxic, malodorous decay.

To say even that the film lacks bite is to succumb to its beyond-awful level of mirthless humor, which includes severed fingers as "finger food," a box of Count Chocula, and stale references to texting and Twitter that wouldn't pass muster in the halls of any self-respecting middle school.

In the dark stillness of the auditorium, one can almost detect the sound of scraping as co-directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer dredge up material from the very bottom of ye olde comedic barrel.

Matt Lanter plays tortured pale-male vampire Edward Sullen (get it?) and Jenn Proske is high schooler Becca Crane (Becca Crane instead of Bella Swan, hot-cha!). Becca, the new girl in town, lusts for Edward without ever quite understanding why. Completing the triangle is Becca's friend with werewolf issues Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

Prematurely cynical and bored 17-year-olds might eventually find this movie appealing on DVD when there's nothing else left in the rental machine for a dollar. Caring parents will just say no, buying the kids a Mad magazine instead, or perhaps trying to persuade them to sample the Abbott and Costello horror-comedy oeuvre.

The film contains fleeting profane, crude and crass language and some sexual innuendo. The Catholic News Service classification is A-III—adults. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is PG-13—parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

*****
Kurt Jensen is a guest reviewer for Catholic News Service.




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Cyril of Alexandria: Saints are not born with halos around their heads. Cyril, recognized as a great teacher of the Church, began his career as archbishop of Alexandria, Egypt, with impulsive, often violent, actions. He pillaged and closed the churches of the Novatian heretics (who required those who denied the faith to be rebaptized), participated in the deposing of St. John Chrysostom (September 13) and confiscated Jewish property, expelling the Jews from Alexandria in retaliation for their attacks on Christians. 
<p>Cyril’s importance for theology and Church history lies in his championing the cause of orthodoxy against the heresy of Nestorius, who taught that in Christ there were two persons, one human and one divine.</p><p>The controversy centered around the two natures in Christ. Nestorius would not agree to the title “God-bearer” for Mary (January 1). He preferred “Christ-bearer,” saying there are two distinct persons in Christ (divine and human) joined only by a moral union. He said Mary was not the mother of God but only of the man Christ, whose humanity was only a temple of God. Nestorianism implied that the humanity of Christ was a mere disguise. </p><p>Presiding as the pope’s representative at the Council of Ephesus (431), Cyril condemned Nestorianism and proclaimed Mary truly the “God-bearer” (the mother of the one Person who is truly God and truly human). In the confusion that followed, Cyril was deposed and imprisoned for three months, after which he was welcomed back to Alexandria as a second Athanasius (the champion against Arianism). </p><p>Besides needing to soften some of his opposition to those who had sided with Nestorius, Cyril had difficulties with some of his own allies, who thought he had gone too far, sacrificing not only language but orthodoxy. Until his death, his policy of moderation kept his extreme partisans under control. On his deathbed, despite pressure, he refused to condemn the teacher of Nestorius.</p> American Catholic Blog Father, I have come to the understanding that Jesus asks very little from us, only that we accept him as our friend and love him and care for one another. How simple! And yet how difficult! Please give me grace not to disappoint him, who has given his all for me. I ask this in Jesus's name, Amen.

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