Q U I C K S C A N

What are the rates of divorce?
What is the importance of marriage preparation?
What are the causes and consequences of divorce?

Readers reflect on Friar Jack’s musings

by Friar Jim Van Vurst, O.F.M.

My previous reflection was on the Sacrament of Marriage. This month I want to consider marriage that ends in divorce. It has been said that one of the reasons people cry at weddings is because they fear that an especially young bride and groom have no idea of what they are getting into. As a Franciscan priest, I must tell you that I stand in admiration of married couples. True, I live in a community with nine other Franciscan priests and brothers, and there is plenty of “give and take” in our life together. But in marriage, the community is between two people for life and at a level of intimacy far greater than our lives as celibates and vowed religious. That total gift of one person to another places great demands on individuals to adjust to the personalities, behaviors and idiosyncrasies of their spouses. I don’t believe the demands of my community can compare with those that are experienced by husbands and wives. I take my cowl off to all of you married folks.

What are the rates of divorce?

In the U.S., according to the National Center for Health Statistics, a significant percentage of all marriages taking place today will end in divorce. Within the Catholic population, about one in five marriages now being contracted will result in divorce, many of them within the first five years of marriage. Studies show that key factors in divorce involve struggles over time, sex and money. These areas often require new couples to make great adjustments through which husbands and wives really come to know the person they have married.

Because 60% of marriages today begin with both spouses employed, juggling work and time together, not to mention the early arrival of children, can lead to great stress. This is a balancing act that becomes impossible for many. Other areas of stress include finances, debts brought into the marriage and required employment relocations, which separate husband and wife from family and familiar locations that can be great sources of security. Lack of sexual adjustment also takes its toll. Even though society proclaims sex is the answer to every problem, couples may find out sexual intimacy is the problem.

What is the importance of marriage preparation?

The Church places great emphasis on marriage preparation. There is a six-month waiting period before marriage with time for interviews, Cana conferences and marriage questionnaires. A young couple may be frustrated because it seems to take so long just to get married in the Church. But there is little doubt that the preparation gives the couple a chance to address potential issues and stresses before they say “I do.” In some cases, it is during that prep time that couples come to realize that they really should not be entering a marriage that might end in divorce.

What are the causes and consequences of divorce?

After all is said and done, the reality is that some marriages simply can’t make it. Civil divorce may be the only choice. There can be very good reasons for divorce, and the Church certainly recognizes them. Physical abuse toward a spouse or the children demands separation or divorce simply on the basis of self-preservation. For many, there may be infidelity or lack of financial support. While some married couples are able to work through major difficulties and remain together in a reasonably loving relationship, many are not.

Regardless of society’s acceptance of “divorce parties,” there is no denying that divorce is traumatic even as it brings relief. Emotional hardship, financial insecurity, hurt children and fear for the future are all a part of the consequences of divorce.

You may have heard that divorced individuals are not permitted to receive the sacraments. That is simply wrong, and people who claim such a thing only increase the heavy burdens experienced by the divorced who need the Church and the Eucharist more than ever. It goes without saying that the Church sees the marriage vows as still intact, and a divorced person needs to be careful about a second marriage without first obtaining an annulment (more about that next month). And of course, a single Catholic may not marry another divorced person who has not yet attained an annulment.

Friar Jack’s Inbox

Readers respond to Friar Jack’s musings on
“Why John Paul II Was Larger Than Life.”

Dear Friar Jack: I was delighted to find your latest E-spiration when I opened my morning e-mail. I was confirmed in March so I am still a sparkling new Catholic! I have begun service through my parish, St. Michael Parish, Olympia, Washington, and am finding that the more time I give, the more I want to give. Prayer for me is a new experience, and I must tell you that I “feel” that Christ is in the next room with me. I understand opening the door, and I have been a little hesitant being new, but your article has made me realize that there is no reason not to embrace him completely. God bless you for this message. Wendy

Dear Friar Jack: I would like very much to enter Christ’s space. Could you please tell me how? I do pray and like to picture myself sitting on a hillside overlooking Lake Galilee during a break on a bus tour. I like to think Jesus sat there years ago when he went apart to rest and pray. Also, I can picture him walking along a beautiful stream that led into the lake. How can I enlarge on these experiences to feel closer to him, and what other suggestions might you have? Thank you, Jean

Dear Wendy and Jean—and others who raised similar points in e-mails sent to me: First of all, I find it very telling, and indeed inspiring, that so many of you have shown interest in deepening your relationship with Christ and in opening the door of your hearts to him more and more.

How does one do this? How does one embrace Christ more fully? Trusting in the Spirit’s help, let’s reflect a bit on the question. Let’s return to the Sea of Galilee and the story of Jesus walking along the shore and inviting small clusters of fishermen to “Come after me” (Matthew 4:18-22). One by one they leave their nets behind—and their whole former way of life—and follow Jesus. They step out in bold faith, giving us food for meditation.

Jesus’ first followers crossed the thresholds of their own safe little worlds and entered daringly into the world and the mystery of Christ. A leap of faith was involved in their decisions to follow Christ. Perhaps they could be compared to skydivers jumping out of a plane and free-falling down, trusting in the parachute (the Spirit of love) to bring them to a happy ending of their faith adventure. In contrast, we also remember the story of the rich young man, whom Jesus invited to leave everything behind and “Come, follow me” if he wished “to be perfect” (Matthew 10:16-23). The young man sadly declined because “he had many possessions.”

Perhaps these contrasting stories of invitations and response can lead us into fruitful meditation on how to open up more completely to Christ. We pray: Come, Holy Spirit, enlighten our hearts and our path that we may follow more generously and trustingly in the footsteps of him who first loves us and is “the way, the truth and the life.” Amen.

My prayers are with all of you! Friar Jack

Send your feedback to friarjack@americancatholic.org.

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