Has anyone ever asked you, “Can you keep a secret?” What do those words do to you? You may lean forward and prick up your ears. Your heart may beat a little faster. What you are about to hear is meant for your ears alone.

Gossip? Maybe.

“Sure,” you answer eagerly. “No problem.”

Really? As soon as you hear the juicy story, you immediately consider who else might want to hear it. You could be the first to tell. Then, it could become a problem.

What is the real question behind, “Can you keep a secret?” What you are being asked is, “Can I trust you?”

What’s up for grabs could be either a bit of fascinating news or a piece of useless gossip. Or it could be that someone is entrusting his or her heart and feelings to you.

Are you worthy of the other person’s trust? Can you keep a secret—really?

Top Secret

King Solomon, known for his wisdom, clearly defines a trustworthy person in Proverbs 11:13. In God’s Little Instruction Book, that verse from Proverbs inspired this comment: “Whoever gossips to you will be a gossip of you.” Proverbs states it more positively, saying that a trustworthy man (or woman) “keeps a confidence.”

What does this mean?

When a certain baby was born to a couple in Bethlehem named Joseph and Mary, an angel of the Lord appeared to some shepherds in their fields late one night. He told them about the birth of a savior, Christ the Lord. A large group of angels then appeared, proclaiming that this infant would bring peace.

The shepherds immediately went to check out the baby. Then they hurried to town to announce what they had seen and heard.

But “Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). That’s what it means to keep a confidence. Mary wasn’t talking.

A secret, by its very nature, is meant to be kept. Jesus’ mother must have felt that these things were not meant to be broadcast. And so she kept them in her heart. She was trustworthy.

A secret, by the way, doesn’t have to be announced as such. Fifteen-year-old Danielle learned this the hard way when a friend, Cari, confided that she had once been sexually abused by her foster brother, now long gone from her life but not forgotten.

Danielle then mentioned it to a mutual friend of theirs, assuming Cari would have told her. But Cari hadn’t, and she didn’t appreciate Danielle passing on the news.

No, Cari hadn’t whispered the confidence to Danielle in hushed tones, saying, “Now, this is a secret.” But Cari had trusted in their friendship and that Danielle would know not to tell anyone else. It was Cari’s pain and embarrassment. She was the one who should choose to tell or not tell.

A secret is anything someone wants to keep hidden—from either the view or knowledge of certain others. Even God has specific secrets only uttered to those who have proven trustworthy: “The friendship of the Lord is with those who fear [honor] him; and his covenant, for their instruction” (Psalm 25:14). In precious moments of solitude, God speaks secrets meant for our ears alone.

Secrets Have Power

If you start telling your friends’ secrets, you will soon earn a bad reputation that will follow you indefinitely. In Proverbs 25:9-10, King Solomon stated the consequences of revealing someone’s secret. Basically, he said, “Tell your own story to your neighbors and friends if you like, but don’t share the story of anyone else. It will get back to that person, then that person will complain about you, and your name will be mud!”

What is it about secrets that makes them powerful enough to give us a bad reputation if we reveal them?

When someone confides a secret to you, you are undertaking a test. Your compassion, endurance and trustworthiness—your overall character—are being tested. It’s a major exam—in three parts.

1) You are expressing compassion. At the moment you’re told someone’s secret, you are being given the power to hurt another person—the confider, the person(s) the secret is about or the person you might choose to tell.

Everyone liked Erica, the new girl in school—at first. She seemed like a compassionate person, deeply concerned about her friends and their problems.

It gradually became clear, however, to those who got to know her better that she was a little too concerned. Because of her seeming care and compassion, some of the kids had begun to confide in her.

But they soon discovered that if Erica knew something, it was only a matter of time until the whole school knew as well. Erica couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Her heart may have been in the right place. She might have truly cared about her friends and their problems. But she was new in school and she needed acceptance. Being “in on” everyone’s personal life made her feel accepted.

On the outside, it may have looked as if Erica was a truly compassionate person. But true compassion doesn’t exploit; it always protects.

The point is that when you discover or hear privileged, secret information about someone, you are given power to harm, to hurt or to injure another person. Some people get their kicks out of collecting information about others and passing it on. It makes them feel powerful. You may know someone like this.

2) You are demonstrating endurance. How long can you keep a secret? Endurance tests are no fun. You feel that you may burst. When you’re in a group of kids at school and someone is speculating as to the real reason Peter got kicked out of school, and you happen to know because Peter confided in you, it’s hard to say nothing.

Kelly told Shane that her family was adopting a baby from India. “Don’t tell anyone,” she said. “We’ve tried to do this before and the plan has fallen through. I don’t want everyone to know and then it doesn’t happen.”

In Kelly and Shane’s group of friends Shane was the only one who knew—for months. When the baby arrived and the others discovered that Shane had known all along, they were all mad at him for not telling!

When they calmed down and looked at the situation more rationally, they saw that Shane had acted in a trustworthy manner. They could rest assured that if he didn’t leak Kelly’s secret, he wouldn’t tell theirs.

3) You are displaying trustworthiness. Finally, secrets are powerful because they ultimately reveal you as either unreliable or trustworthy. You know that when you confess your sins within the Sacrament of Reconciliation, you don’t need to worry that they will appear in the National Enquirer. While your obligation may not be as formal, it is just as serious.

When you are keeping a secret, your character is on the line. This is the final part of the test and a sign as to the power of secrets. They show us at our best—or our worst.

Moments of Truth

You may be thinking, Whoa, I never knew secrets came with so much pressure. You surely didn’t think you were signing up for all this when, at seven years old, your friend Johnny pulled you into a corner of the schoolyard and said, “Can you keep a secret? I like Susie.”

In reality, it was the beginning of a loyalty test that has continued until now, your teen years. In the moment of truth, when someone says, “Can you keep a secret?” and you say, “No problem,” are you being honest? Can you?

It’s better to say, “No, I’m not sure I can,” than quickly to agree, then turn and betray your friend. Remember, secrets have power, but they’re not about power as much as they’re about trust. If you honestly confess to your friend that you can’t keep a secret, your friend will understand. We all have weaknesses.

But if you say, “No problem,” and then you tell, your reputation will follow you for a long time, and you may lose your friend.

A Time to Tell

Sometimes the question is not whether you can keep a secret, but rather, if you should. In Ecclesiastes we read, “There is an appointed time for everything...a time to be silent, and a time to speak” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7).

So, is it true that sometimes we are supposed to tell? Yes.

Perhaps a friend confides to you that his alcoholic father beats his mother. Maybe your sister asks if you can keep a secret and you learn that she’s stealing from her place of employment.

Lindsey received a note from a friend that warned her not to tell anyone, but “Jason and Chad are going to shoot off some bottle rockets in the cafeteria at lunch.” After the incident, lockers were searched, the note was confiscated by the principal, and Lindsey came close to being suspended from school along with Jason and Chad because she knew about this and didn’t tell. In this case, Lindsey wasn’t wise to keep a secret.

Earlier, you learned that Danielle failed to keep Cari’s secret. Two circumstances color this situation just as distinctions, variations and exceptions always arise to challenge our moral decisionmaking.

First, Cari was now safe from the nightmare she had confided to Danielle. This means Danielle could choose to go slow—or perhaps never tell. But, on the other hand, Danielle was quick to tell another friend, who had no power to assist Cari or to help her cope with her continued guilt and fear. That was not a good choice.

It’s true that there are some secrets you wish you’d never heard. Your role in this kind of secret can be confusing. But confusion is sometimes your friend. If you’re confused, feeling uncomfortable, and unclear what to do with a secret, that may be a sign you’re supposed to give it over to another person—someone who can help.

Cari probably would benefit from the guidance of a compassionate counselor. We may never know because of Danielle’s decision.

Before handing it over, however, the loving thing to do for the confider is for you to go back and give that person the opportunity to tell someone himself or herself. This way, the individual retains personal dignity and can make a personal choice about the best thing to do.

If someone—the secret-teller or anyone else—is being hurt and you can do something to stop it by confiding the secret to another person, it’s up to you to act.

Always remember: Love is the highest law. If you promise to keep a friend’s secret, then find out that by doing so, you’ll be hurting rather than loving your friend, you must do the loving thing. In every situation, ask yourself: What is the loving thing to do for this person?

Trustworthy Keeper of Secrets

To be trustworthy does not mean to be perfect. You’ll blow it sometimes. In your excitement, when talking to one person about another person, you may forget and blurt out a secret. Hopefully, you’ll be forgiven. Do this too many times, of course, and you’ll have fewer people confiding in you. Word gets around.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us that the Eighth Commandment forbids representing false truths in our relationships with others. This includes deceptive words or intentions toward others, and breaking the confidence of someone by leaking his or her personal secrets.

We, as Christians, want to live in the path of righteousness and truth. To do this, we must be honest with ourselves and with others. If we cannot maintain another’s confidence we must say so before we allow that person to tell us. A lie is classified as deception—plain and simple.

But we can grow in our ability to hold others’ secrets in a private place, to honor their choice to trust us. Keeping a person’s secret is a gift you give back to the confider for the privilege of being trusted.

You can learn to do this by making a conscious decision when someone asks, “Can you keep a secret?” The minute you blurt out yes, you accept an awesome responsibility—to hold the words spoken in the next few moments in your heart—and to keep them there.

It won’t be long before others will view you as a loyal friend, one who can be trusted with those things most precious in their lives.

Frederick Buechner, Pulitzer Prize nominee and renowned author of more than 20 books, says, “I not only have my secrets. I am my secrets. And you are your secrets....Our trusting each other enough to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human.”

When someone shares a secret with you, that person is sharing himself or herself. When you hold that secret close and with compassion, then you are holding that person and sharing your common humanity. Awesome.

Can you keep a secret? Give it a try.

Gloria Kempton of Kirkland, Washington, is the mother of five children, three of whom are teenagers. She has written short stories, articles, fiction and nonfiction books. This is her first Youth Update.