“If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?” How many times have you heard one of your parents say that to you? It may sound silly, but the underlying message is: Stop and think about your life and your relationships!

For example, how many times have you begged your parents to let you go to a party because “all of my friends are going to be there.” Recently, my teenage brother-in-law got his ear pierced. Why? Because a lot of his friends had gotten theirs pierced.

Have you ever done something foolish or something you know you shouldn’t have done because all your friends were doing it?

Face it: Your friends have a major influence in your life and your actions. We all tend to follow along with what our friends do. Friendships play a very important role in our lives.

This Youth Update has three purposes: to help you recognize and appreciate true friends; to consider your own ability and willingness to be a friend; and, lastly, to see how important friends are to your own self-esteem.

I’m sure most of you have heard the song “Friends.” Michael W. Smith sings, “Friends are friends forever....in the Father’s hands we know, that a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.” I know from my own experience that it’s pretty hard to go to any graduation or retreat without hearing this sung message.

Perhaps the song is so popular because it deals with such an important topic. We cherish things that represent what’s valuable to us. The song brings out a good point: We should consider our friends to be gifts from God and treat them likewise. God can also be a good source of guidance and help with our friendships.

During your teenage years, the range of relationships in your life is wide and vast. You have relationships with parents, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, teachers, etc. But you spend the most time with your friends. Your friends are a source of strength, support and companionship. Through friendships you can foster your own individuality, as well as learn how to relate to others.

A Better You

Your relationships should be a reflection of who you are as an individual. You tend to be attracted to people who like the same things you do or have similar interests. For instance, if you’re into sports, you certainly wouldn’t spend all your time hanging out with someone who hates sports and has no desire to learn anything about them. But if you have a friend who is interested in sports and wants to learn more, the two of you have something that you can share together.

That’s not to say that you and your friends have to be clones of each other. Repeats can be boring.

“Real friendships are based on the premise that we will enrich and enhance each other by allowing each of us to be ourself,” says author Susanna McMahon, Ph.D., in The Portable Problem Solver: Having Healthy Relationships. “Good friendships are all about acceptance and letting go. They are about balance. The best friends we can have are those who know themselves, who are secure in themselves and can be supportive of us, and, most important of all, who let us be. In order to have friends meet these descriptions, we will need to be the same.”

I know a young man named Mark who learned the importance of that firsthand when his friend decided that he wanted to be just like Mark. Suddenly, Mark says, it was like having a twin walking around. “My friend would wear the same type of clothes as me. He would use the same words as me. Suddenly he even had all the exact same interests as me, even though he never had before. At first it didn’t bother me—it was kind of cool—but after a while it got to be too much. I liked this guy for who he was, not how much like me he could be.”

Mark finally told his friend how he felt. Since then, Mark says, the two of them have gotten closer because of their differences, as well as their similarities.

Take a look at Jesus and the apostles. Each of them had a distinct and different personality, yet each brought something wonderful and important to the group. Nonetheless, they also had strains in their relationships. Judas turned Jesus in. Peter told people in no uncertain terms he didn’t even know Jesus.

Two-way Street

Everyone wants to be treated fairly by his or her friends. This requires that you treat your friends fairly in return. You have a role in the relationship. Take a look. Do you want someone talking about you behind your back or spreading rumors about you? Consider that the next time someone wants to tell you the latest gossip. Remember, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).

Sometimes you can learn this lesson too late—after you’ve already lost a friend. Maybe you told someone a secret that had been entrusted to you. Maybe you found a new group of people to hang out with and neglected your old friend who didn’t seem as cool or important any more. Stop for a minute and think how you would feel if you were the one being left behind.

Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way. My friend Jill died and I couldn’t fix things the way I should have or would have liked. When Jill was alive, I never had time for her. I was always too busy with other things—other friends, school, my boyfriend.

But of course, when I needed someone to listen or go out with me, I wanted Jill to be ready and willing. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t been the kind of friend I should have been until it was too late. Because of Jill, I am much more aware of the quality of friendship I offer to my other friends.

What I could have done for her is simply what Jesus asked of his friends. Right before Jesus died, he asked his friends to stay awake with him during his last hours of freedom. They couldn’t manage it. How many times have your friends needed you to “stay awake” with them? Have you been there for them?

Inclusion vs. Exclusion

Stop and take a look around your school. I’m sure that it’s very easy to identify the different groups of friends or “cliques.” Certain groups of friends sit together at lunch or can be seen together at school dances.

Imagine one day going over and sitting down with a group of people that you don’t usually hang around. How would you feel? Not very comfortable, I’m sure. You would get some strange looks and might not be welcomed.

While this example may seem ridiculous, it just goes to show that sometimes you can cut yourself off from others so much that you think there can’t possibly be anything you would have in common with anyone outside your group. Or, you may tend to think of those people as weird or different, simply because they don’t look or act like your other friends. You leave little room for creative surprises in your friendships.

I can remember when I was in high school not too long ago, a girl cautiously shared that she was having a lot of trouble with her friends and they weren’t treating her very well. Because of that, she hardly ever went out on the weekends. So I invited her to go out with me and my friends the next weekend.

To my surprise, the next day at school I received a lot of notes from my friends telling me that I had no right to invite anyone outside of the “group” to join us. They didn’t like this girl so she wasn’t going to go out with us. I would have to choose between hanging out with them or this girl.

At first I was really hurt and angry. By doing what I thought was the right thing, I had managed to lose my own friends in the process. But it also made me realize, as I was being pushed to the outside of the group, just how closed our group actually was.

When I told my mom about what had happened, she asked me if I thought I had done the right thing. I told her I did, but that it seemed like doing the right thing shouldn’t have to be so difficult. Mom said, “Sometimes doing what’s right and taking a stand is a lot harder than just letting things keep on as they are.” She turned out to be right. The other girl and I began going out together and are still best friends to this day.

Toxic Friendships

It’s easy to know when you don’t feel well. But it’s not always as easy to know when our health is being threatened by things other than viruses and bugs, such as relationships.

Believe it or not, doctors say that the health of our relationships has a direct bearing on our personal health and happiness. It’s just as important to make sure we’re in healthy relationships as it is to take precautions with our physical health.

Author Harriet B. Braiker has written that we are obsessed with health and physical well-being—our own and that of our planet. She finds it sad, however, that “we have remained ignorant of an equal or even greater threat to our physical well-being: psychological poisons produced by toxic relationships....

Many people equate unhealthy relationships with dating situations, but friendships can have just as much potential for problems. For instance, friends who use each other or aren’t totally honest with each other don’t have a really solid friendship.

Remember that friendships are supposed to support and encourage you to be the best person you can be. If you don’t feel good when you’re with that particular friend, then you surely can’t be doing much to bolster your own self-esteem.

You shouldn’t let others put you down or treat you poorly in any way. You should treat yourself well and take care of yourself because God thought you were special enough to be born. You should also expect the same treatment from your friends. Of course, that means that you must remember that your friends were also created by God and treat them with the same consideration and love you would expect yourself.

Plenty of Benefits

It is also important to remember that you can have more than one close friend. I’ve heard young people explain to others that “so-and-so is my ‘first-best’ friend and this other person is my ‘next-best’ friend.” Many people seem to think that having one “best” friend is the way it has to be. But you can have a wide variety of friends, all of whom offer something different and unique that makes them special to you.

I’m sure you can all recall a time when you were at home on a Friday or Saturday night and called your friend who was out with someone else. You may have wondered, “Why didn’t he (or she) call me?” or “What does that other person have that I don’t?” You may feel jealous and hurt.

But having a number of friends is like opening the windows on a warm day. It can bring in new air and freshen up your relationships.

Take a look at the different types of people Jesus hung around. John the Baptist was definitely different from Mary Magdalene. Each friend meant something special to Jesus. He valued each of them for unique and important qualities. You too must realize the value in each of your friends for their own special gifts and the characteristics they bring out in you.

In the end, you should remember that friendships should support and strengthen who you are as an individual. They are also a basic part of life.

Think about all the good times you’ve had with your friends. Though some rough spots are bound to lie ahead, I suspect the majority of your memories are happy ones. Think about all the things you and your friends have shared—secrets, memories, laughs. Then imagine your life without those things.

The next time you think friendships aren’t that big a deal, look at the vast selection of greeting cards for friends—one of the biggest in greeting card shops. Some of those cards may be silly. Others may be sappy. Still, they testify to the importance of having a friend and being one.

The poet Emerson says that the best part of friendship is not simply being together but the strength of discovering that someone believes in you and is willing to trust you. That gives you spiritual strength. Friendships are indeed a gift of God.

Susan Hines-Brigger is an assistant editor of St. Anthony Messenger, a national Catholic family magazine published by St. Anthony Messenger Press.