Shelly feels like her parents' divorce almost ruined her life. She says, "I went through a period when I was so angry, I felt like I was going to blow up."

She survived her parents' divorce and you can too. You can also gain new insight into the tremors divorce sends through any family. Today Shelly is living beyond the anger and has established healthy, loving relationships with both her parents.

Anger is only one in a spectrum of emotions you're likely to feel if your parents divorce. Even if your parents are together, you probably have friends from families divided by divorce. They will benefit from your understanding.

Divorce changes lives forever. Frustrated by the loss and in need of comfort, you may behave self-destructively: failing in school, using alcohol or drugs, demonstrating hostility towards authority. Two out of three teenagers who commit suicide come from homes with just one live-in parent.

But you can overcome the pain of your parents' divorce. Here are some suggestions for restoring your self-esteem or keeping it intact, should it be threatened by a drastic change in your family.

Use Anger Constructively

It is normal to be angry. When Mark's parents divorced, he felt like their decision had just been sprung on him without warning. He says, "I wish someone would have told me its was coming. I just didn't understand why they were doing it. And no one talked about it." Family members often fail to communicate during divorces. A painful silence settles into the household. Sometimes young people are reluctant to bring up the subject and upset the custodial parent. In this atmosphere, the word why can seem forbidden.

It is important to express your feelings and encourage your friends to do so. While it may stretch your courage to the limit, it's legitimate to ask your parents why they're separating. Doing so can prevent you from placing blame where it doesn't belong. Couples divorce for a lot of not-so-obvious reasons. Personality conflicts, different cultures or backgrounds, physical and emotional abuse, drug or alcohol abuse or mental illness may strain relationships to the breaking point. Sometimes couples married too young, or a spouse becomes attracted to another person.

It isn't unusual for teenagers experiencing parental divorce to feel that they have lost control of their lives. When you feel you are at the mercy of others, anger often results.

There are constructive ways to deal with anger. Anger isn't right or wrong; it's just an emotion. But how a person responds to anger can be right or wrong. Ashley says it helps to bury her face in a pillow where "I just scream until I've let all the anger out." Garrett recommends the gym, especially the punching bag.

You might try cleaning your closet, or visiting the batting cage. Tennis, swimming and dancing are all good ways to vent anger.

Prayer is also a good choice. Remember, God knows you're mad. The Creator of life doesn't welcome divorce any more than you do. Find an open field, or a private room, and yell to God about your feelings. God understands rage and disappointment.

While the Gospel of Matthew doesn't describe the tone of Jesus' voice in the garden of Gethsemane, he had reason to be disappointed indeed. He had asked the apostles to "keep watch" with him, but they fell asleep instead. His exasperation shows in his question, "Are you still sleeping...?" (Matthew 26:45).

Anger is sometimes the result of unexpressed disappointment or confusion when your expectations aren't met. A good way to diffuse the anger is to talk about it. Try to tell your parents about your feelings.

Remember--It Isn't Your Fault

You didn't cause the divorce. Scott says, "I remember the fights about me. I know there were other fights, too, but I remember the ones when my name came up. I guess Dad got tired of it..."

It isn't unusual to blame yourself. If only you had behaved better, you think, maybe the divorce wouldn't have happened.

Divorce is between two adults who promised to love one another always. There is usually a violation of that promise before formal divorce ends the union. It is not the fault of their offspring if adults do not keep their vows.

When you're tempted to blame yourself for the divorce, look in the mirror to remind yourself that you are not to blame. In the heat of an argument, your parents might have said something that you construed to mean you are responsible. It is not true, even if they think so.

Certain situations that may have involved you can escalate an already troubled situation. Raising children and maintaining a home isn't easy, especially in troubled marriages. But when two adults decide to end their marriage, it is an adult decision and they alone are responsible for that choice. You have not divorced anyone.

Seek Support From Your Peers

Divorce isn't uncommon. Single-parent households households are the fastest-growing type of households in America. Various types of organized support groups are popping up all over the country, probably in your town, too.

Before you can be helped by this kind of support, you must be willing to admit that there is a problem and you need help in dealing with it. Randy is in a support group that meets at school one night a week. He says, "Before I went, I thought I was the only one with divorced parents. I don't feel alone anymore."

Support groups offer a nonthreatening place to say the things you might be unable to say to your parents. Your parish office will have information on local groups. You can also ask the counseling office at school. If there isn't a group near you, maybe you can help start one. Talk to other teens who have experienced a parental divorce, then take your idea to an adult adviser or teacher.

These same adults-youth ministers, pastors, teachers, family friends-can support you in many ways themselves. Feel confident in approaching them for the wisdom they have gained from experience.

How You Act Is Your Problem

Mandy blamed all her problems on the divorce. "I failed my sophomore year because of the divorce ...I got a ticket because of the divorce ...I fought with my best friend because of the divorce ... Jason doesn't like me because of the divorce..."

While a divorce is no picnic, you need to accept responsibility for your responses to tragedy. Some of your choices will be poor and you will have to live with their consequences. With any sort of behavior, whether it is fighting or flunking, at some point you will regain your strength to make better choices despite your difficulties. Please accept this reassurance on faith for the days when life seems especially tough.

On your way beyond this family shake-up, you will be extra sensitive, possibly irritable and depressed and probably distracted and hard to get along with. But if you elect to fight with your best friend, it is your decision and it's not helpful to pin the blame on the divorce or on any circumstance outside yourself.

Even if you could blame every wrong move on divorce, on your good days you can see that this doesn't lead to any progress. Blaming others to justify your own behavior is a good way to keep from getting on with life. If you behave self-destructively, you are probably trying to signal to the world how much you are hurting. The immediate consequence, however, will be still more pain for you as well as for both your parents.

The divorce probably ripped your world to shreds, but you can regain a grip on your life. Hostility and fear are powerful emotions, but you don't have to be controlled by them.

New Patterns Are Tough

It takes most parents and their children a long time to adjust to new ways of being with one another. Visitation, or being with the noncustodial parent, has a cycle of sorts, a series of ups and downs that can almost be charted from one visit to the next. Of course, every family works out its own patterns, but generally the flow of feelings and behaviors follows this scenario:

As the time to leave for the visit approaches, you feel more and more apprehensive. You find excuses for not going. You prefer to stay in the environment that is familiar to you. You may be puzzled by this yourseIf, especially if you enjoy being with the other parent.

When your parent picks you up, at first you're uncomfortable and you don't talk much-or you might talk too much. Your talking probably won't be "like usual." By the middle of the visit, you are comfortable with your parent and you're enjoying the time together.

Then you realize that you have to leave. You don't want to leave this parent and experience the loss all over again. You might even feel sorry for your parent because he or she seems unhappy or complains of missing you.

You return to your custodial parent and you're angry all over again at the situation, at the separation from your other parent and at the pain this cycle causes you. You want to get off the merry-go-round.

To experience any or all of these feelings isn't being disloyal to either parent. Such feelings are normal. Visitation is difficult. Talk about how you feel. When you voice your feelings, they lose some of their power to frighten and confuse you. Give yourself permission to love and forgive both your parents.

Often, when young people reach their teen years, they will assert themselves by deciding to live with the noncustodial parent or, quite the opposite, they elect to decrease the visits to that parent. In some cases, this reveals a desire for greater independence. In others, since weekends are the best time for being with friends, they just don't want to be away from the neighborhood-or from the home phone! If a parent is treating you inappropriately, dumping resentment on you or punishing you excessively, you don't have to accept it as your only alternative. Seek an objective view of the situation from someone other than your parents. A neutral advisor can often serve to ease tensions and pinpoint real problems.

You have a right to spend time with both your parents, but custody agreements have been made by people who have often had trouble communicating with one another. Ask for the changes you need, but try to consider the consequences, both immediate and longrange. Move slowly.

Expect a Jumble of Emotions

During and after a divorce, you'll experience a wide variation of feelings. For example, you probably feel that moms and dads ought to stay together forever, no matter what. Even if you know that this expectation isn't realistic, you may still wish for it to be true.

You might feel a sense of condemnation or guilt towards yourself or your parents because of your own belief in the permanence of marriage. You may need to review Catholic teaching about divorce, which is based on Church understanding of Christ's teachings about marriage.

Divorced Catholics have never been excommunicated (cut off from the Church), unless they chose to remarry without an annulment (an acknowledgement that the first marriage was not a true marriage). In 1977, revisions of canon law removed the penalty of automatic excommunication from remarried Catholics as well.

Catholics who divorce are encouraged to remain active in the Church to aid the healing of their lives and their children's lives. In some circumstances, they're not free to receive the Eucharist, but their status in the Church is not a matter for others-even their children-to judge.

Besides these feelings that something is "wrong," you may also feel that your history, your past with these two parents has been stolen. You may feel uprooted from your good memories and worry over the divorce ruining future good times as well. How will the family handle reunions and special events like weddings, graduations, Baptisms, Confirmations? The bad news is that changes are certain. The good news is that some of the changes will be good ones, especially if family occasions of the recent past have been marred by discord. Your parents may not know how much you value family celebrations. Tell them. You may be able to help discover creative alternatives.

Young people have practical concerns, too. Linda says, "They're dividing everything up. I don't know who I'll live with. I just want to be sure that I'll have a house and food and clothes. I want them to take care of me."

It's been several years since Kathy's parents divorced, but she still thinks about it. "I miss the way it was. I know it will never be the same again, but that doesn't keep me from missing it." You need to allow time for sadness, time to mourn a marriage that has died.

Fears for safety and survival are common too. "What if I never see my dad again?" Antonio says. Renee is concerned that her father, who didn't want the divorce, is not going to get over it-ever.

The resolution that most teens would wish for-reconciliation-is usually unrealistic. Yet, you can relieve your anxiety by communicating your fears and concerns to someone you trust.

Unrelieved, your anxiety or general sense of uneasiness may contribute to physical problems such as headaches, vision problems, upset stomach, compulsive eating, increased colds and respiratory infections. Emotional well-being or upset is often reflected in your physical condition. Take care of yourself.

Remember the Good News

God cares about what is happening to you. God cares about the way you feel. Divorce is not a punishment because of your behaviors. God loves you and wants good for you. You have value. You had value before and you're no less worthy now.

As your parent, God provides for your needs, loves you unconditionally and desires a relationship with you. God understands that you are in a situation which is not of your own making. "Do not let your hearts be troubled," you can hear Jesus say in John (14:27). God is a parent who will never leave you and never fail you. "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you" (Isaiah 49:15).

But for your peace of mind, you need to look for any good that has come out of the divorce. Your home might have less conflict in it, or your parent might be getting help for alcohol abuse. Maybe your mother is happier than she was before and has stopped yelling.

Sometimes after a divorce, young people have more time with their parents. You might have new responsibilities and more freedom. Maybe communication has improved at home.

Divorce, though painful, can allow you to focus on each of your parents, one at a time, to appreciate them as individuals who have brought you life, have influenced your life and will continue to do so. It may be the end of one world, a world whose boundaries are the family of your birth, but it is also a beginning. Look for the beginnings. Watch for the evidence of hope, of life, of enduring love that a loving God will raise up all around you.

Lonni Collins Pratt is a free-lance writer and editor of The Original, a monthly publication for teens.

Youth Update advisers who previewed this issue, suggested improvements and asked questions of the author are Andy Cloyd, Cara R. Graham, Nathan D. Graham, Peggy Flynn, Steve Hausfeld, Denise Platfoot and Lisa R. VanDyke, all members of Our Lady of Mercy Parish, Dayton, Ohio. Lynn Taylor and Dick Amann coordinate the parish youth group.