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Guilt:
Name It, Claim It,
Clear It Up!

by Kathiann M. Kowalski

(A summary of this month's Youth Update)
If you would like to preview a future edition in Youth Update's private online chat room, contact CarolAnn@AmericanCatholic.org.

Guilt has been a human emotion ever since Adam and Eve hid from God after eating the forbidden fruit in Eden (Genesis 3:8-10). We experience it as a mental preoccupation with the past, a sinking feeling in the stomach or a cloud blocking our ability to enjoy life.

We might feel nervous, anxious, even worthless. It's that feeling of shame and confusion the biblical Ezra sensed when he wrote, "[O]ur wicked deeds are heaped up above our heads and our guilt reaches up to heaven" (Ezra 9:6). Guilt can follow sinful acts, like lying or hurting someone else. Or it can come from omissions, like failing to report a classmate carrying a gun against school rules.

1. Guilt is positive and necessary.

Despite jokes about guilt being the ultimate Catholic emotion, the Church wants us to deal with guilt, not wallow in it. Just like a warning signal on a car's dashboard, guilt feelings tell us there's something wrong "under the hood."

2. You need to see the differences between actual guilt and feeling guilty.

The first question is: Have you sinned? If you have real moral guilt, you need to repent. Don't rationalize it away—and forgive yourself prematurely. If your feelings are false guilt, however, don't ignore or suppress the issue. You may need to talk with someone to get your feelings out. You may need to learn new skills that will prevent you from taking on guilt that other people enjoy laying on you.

3. If you've sinned, you need to repent.

"Though your sins be like scarlet," Isaiah said, "they may become white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18). Repentance isn't a negative concept. Rather, it signals a return to God. It reveals your genuine sorrow for having sinned, plus a sincere desire to do better in the future. God's grace can help you take these steps.

As Catholics, we're not left wondering whether God will act on a whim and forgive us. Jesus gave us the Sacrament of Reconciliation as an outward sign to assure us of God's grace and forgiveness (John 20:19-23). By confessing our sins, expressing sorrow, committing to do better and accepting penance, the sacrament reconciles us to Christ.

4. Repentance includes making things right (restitution).

Dealing with moral guilt also requires, in many cases, taking steps to repair relationships with people you've hurt. Teens who talked disrespectfully to their parents, for example, should apologize and try to establish better relationships at home. Teens who stole property should generally return the property or pay for it. These actions can help restore your sense of self-worth and help you put guilt behind you.

Asking forgiveness helps, too. Forgiveness is not approval or acceptance of sin. Rather it enables the person who was hurt to move beyond the injury. At the same time, it helps those who repented to move forward.

Unfortunately, things can't always be corrected. A teen who killed someone during a mugging cannot undo the homicide. A teen who had an abortion cannot bring her baby back to life. And a teen may have hurt someone so badly that person refuses to forgive.

Nonetheless, these teens can still make any possible apologies. They may also find comfort in doing some other action to address their sin. Where the sin was a crime, for example, they will serve the criminal sentence a court might impose. Or, if the person they hurt refuses to forgive them, they might do acts of kindness for others in similar situations.

Dave Berger (18), Katie Borchers (18), Emily Selhorst (18) and Sara Wehrkamp (18), all members of St. Louis Parish in North Star, Ohio, gathered at the invitation of Johna Hemmelgarn, parish director of youth ministry, to review this issue of Youth Update. They asked the questions which are answered here, suggested the title you now see, and made other helpful observations.

Q.

Repentance may cure guilt, but it doesn't always cure guilty feelings. What else can you do to shake those bad feelings?

A.

Speak with the priest when you receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Ask anyone you've hurt to forgive you. Talk to God in prayer. Take positive steps to show Christ's love to others. That should help replace negative guilty feelings with positive emotions. If guilt still eats at you, psychological counseling might help. Ask your youth minister or school counselor for a referral.

Q.

Apologies can be so clumsy. Can you give some advice on how to judge if an actual apology would be best—or if just giving the other person time to heal is a better idea?

A.

In almost all cases, I vote for the actual apology. A simple "I'm sorry" is probably the least clumsy apology. Say it as soon as possible. If the other person stays upset, then you can try to talk more later. But those two words can help speed the healing process.

Q.

Some sins seem too embarrassing to confess, even though you're really sorry. What to do?

A.

I'm embarrassed by all my sins, so I'm really glad the priest's role is to represent the forgiving Christ. As a priest prepares for ordination, he is helped to become a good listener and a compassionate person. You never need to go into all the details of your sinfulness. Just stick to the facts. The priest is more interested in your return to God and your desire to turn away from sin. Also, you can choose the confessional screen to protect your privacy rather than sitting so that the confessor can see you. That may help.

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