Dealing
With Feuding Sons
Q: I
am a mother with two sons who do not speak to each other. One son threatened to take
the other to court because he was procrastinating as executor of their grandmother’s
will. When there are family functions, neither one will attend because each does
not want to be in the other one’s presence. What’s a mother to do?
A: You
are obviously in a very difficult situation and have my prayerful support as you
deal with this conflict between your sons.
If I were dealing with this, I would
want to communicate to them a few key ideas. First, the conflict which began involving
only one son is now about recognizing each other as members of the same family—a
much more serious matter. Their refusal to attend family functions has an effect
on all family members deprived of their presence at significant family events.
If both sons have children, your sons
are communicating to them that adults deal with conflict by avoidance and bitterness.
You might point out to your sons other sibling disputes in your extended family which
have been resolved more amicably (if any exist).
After all, life is too short to allow
such conflicts to dominate a family’s life. Would they maintain this animosity if
the other one was diagnosed with cancer or was seriously injured in an accident?
Better to mend fences now than try to do it in the midst of some crisis.
Allow me to suggest that you summon a
face-to-face meeting with them together—with a request that neither one speak until
you have finished. Then you will be ready to listen to each one.
If they won’t do that, try separate face-to-face
meetings with them with the same request and promise as above. In the last resort,
send them identical letters communicating what you would say face-to-face if that
were possible.
Keep in mind your efforts may not succeed.
You will, however, be able to live with yourself more easily once you have formulated
and carried out a reasonable plan to dislodge this conflict from its current stagnation.
Good luck.
Gregorian
Masses
Q: The
subject of Gregorian Masses was brought up the other day among us women. Some never
heard of them, but one said she still believes in them. Do these 30 Masses help persons
shorten or skip purgatory?
Why are they not spoken of more today? Is there still such a practice?
A: The
custom of Gregorian Masses still exists. Even before Gregory the Great (pope from 590
to 604), some people or groups would have Mass celebrated on 30 consecutive days for
a person who had died. In his Dialogues, however, Gregory tells of having Masses
said for 30 consecutive days for his deceased friend Justus. After the last of the
30 Masses, Justus is supposed to have appeared to his brother, Copiosus, to announce
he had been delivered from purgatory, and Gregory is believed to have been given the
same assurance. After Gregory, it became popular in Europe to have 30 consecutive Masses
said for others who had died.
While the custom has been approved by Church authorities, and confidence in it called
pious and reasonable, there can be no guarantee of its efficacy. The deliverance of
the departed depends on God’s mercy and pleasure.
I believe priests do not speak much of Gregorian Masses for several reasons. The custom
does not pertain to the essence of faith but rather depends on private revelations.
Further, it is very difficult for most priests to fulfill the requirement of celebrating
Masses 30 consecutive days for the same intention. Pastors must, by law, say certain
Masses for all their parishioners. And in most American parishes there is a long list
of Masses requested by different people for their own particular intentions.
When Gregorian Masses are requested, they are often sent to monastic communities or
mission offices such as the Catholic Near East Welfare Association for distribution
to missionary priests.
Mary's
Tomb?
Q: A
recent ad for travel to Israel includes the phrase, “You can visit Mary’s tomb.” This
bothers me. We are taught by the Church that her body was assumed into heaven.
Why then would she need a tomb? Is it empty?
A: A
structure known as the Tomb of Mary is located just east of the Old City of Jerusalem
and literally a stone’s throw from the Church of All Nations (Gethsemani). Everyone
agrees that this tomb does not now contain the body or bones of Mary.
In 1950, when he proclaimed the dogma
of Mary’s Assumption, Pope Pius XII did not say whether Mary died or not; he said
that she was assumed bodily into heaven.
One reason for not making this part of
the teaching is that the Eastern Churches (Orthodox and Catholic) speak of the “dormition” (sleeping
away) of Mary. According to one tradition, Mary actually died, was buried and soon
the faithful found flowers instead of her body in that tomb. According to another
tradition, Mary spent her last years in Ephesus, in modern-day Turkey.
Greek Orthodox monks staff the church
where the Tomb of Mary is located, but this shrine outside Jerusalem is open to everyone.
Patron
Saint of Miners?
Q: Who
is the patron saint of underground coal miners? Also, is there any book that lists
all the saints that Pope John Paul II has canonized thus far?
A: Several
books on saints list Saints Barbara and Piran as patrons of miners. The story concerning
St. Barbara is that her father was struck by “fire from heaven” after he cut off
her head for refusing to renounce her Christian faith. She has then become the patron
of all who handle explosives—including miners.
Piran was a sixth-century hermit in Cornwall
and is especially invoked by tin miners. I found no listing for a saint especially
associated with coal miners.
You can find a list of those whom Pope
John Paul II has beatified or canonized in the most recent Catholic Almanac,
published by Our Sunday Visitor. In 1998, they also published John Paul II’s Book
of Saints (368 pages, $19.95), listing the over-300 people he has canonized and
the 700-plus people he has beatified. Short biographies are offered for most of them.
Why
is St. Anthony Holding Jesus?
Q: I
have been a devoted fan, respecter and lover of St. Anthony of Padua since my elementary
school days. I am now 68 years old. I do have a question, however. Why is he always
seen holding the Child Jesus?
A: According
to one of the early accounts of the saint’s life, toward the end of Anthony’s life
Jesus appeared to him in the form of a child, allowed Anthony to embrace him and touched
Anthony on the forehead. A certain Count Tiso witnessed this event but was sworn to
secrecy during the rest of Anthony’s life. The count told the story after Anthony died.
In fact, Anthony is sometimes pictured holding not the Child Jesus but a book, representing
the Gospels which Anthony so zealously preached. The Basilica of St. Anthony in Padua
has two such paintings; a museum in that city has a painting of Anthony with a book
in one hand and a lily (symbol of purity) in the other.
Judgment
Now or Later?
Q: My
sister died recently. I believe in my heart that she is with the angels. But when
I go to Mass, I begin to wonder about this.
I thought the Church taught us that
at the Second Coming we all would be raised from the dead. I thought we waited
in our graves until then. Even the Creed tells us that. Then why Easter? Is it
right to say when you die you go to heaven or hell or do you wait until the Second
Coming?
A: Your
sister may already be with the angels; I hope so. The question you raise is one of
the main reasons that St. Paul wrote his First Letter to the Thessalonians, perhaps
the first New Testament writing to be completed. Chapter four, verses 13-18, speaks
to this.
Easter celebrates Christ’s victory over sin and death; it completes Jesus’ saving
act (passion, death and resurrection) on our behalf. The Catholic Church speaks of
the particular judgment (as soon as you die) and the general or last judgment
(the end of the world). At death a person is immediately judged; his or her soul is
assigned to heaven, hell or purgatory.
Easter, however, celebrates a bodily resurrection. For that we must wait until the
general judgment when body and soul will be reunited in heaven or in hell. For people
living at the end of the world, the particular and the general judgment will be the
same event. For everyone else, these will be separate events. Purgatory ends with the
last judgment.
I encourage you to continue to pray for your sister. No honest prayer is ever wasted.
To “How did the fish get to be a Christian symbol”?: The Greek word ichthus (“fish”)
contains the first letters of the Greek words for “Jesus Christ, God’s Son, Savior.”
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